As a Parent, It Is NOT Your responsibility To:
1.) …Solve your child’s problems, relieve their frustrations, or stop their tantrums
When our child is emotionally dysregulated, our job is to keep ourselves calm and be present with them as they experiences their feelings. Let their feelings be. Don’t try to “fix” them. Doing so shows your child that their feelings are wrong, scary, or something to avoid. Instead, allow them to see their feelings all the way through to the end and back.
By offering your soothing presence while you make space for your child’s emotions, even the hard ones, you allow them to begin to understand and work through their feelings. Ultimately, your child will get to the point where they can regulate these feelings and emotions themselves.
2.) …Ensure that your child is always happy
This point is related to the first one. Yes we want our child to be happy! Of course we do! But it’s not in our power to control their happiness or their feelings more generally. If they are upset, the best thing we can do is show up for them, be present, and let them work through their feelings with our loving support and guidance.
That said, what we can foster is resilience, which gives them the power to overcome hard things. It also forms the foundation for a positive mindset, tolerance, perseverance, and self-confidence — all of which contribute to one’s ability to be happy. Resilience, rather remarkably, can be developed by allowing them to face frustration and discomfort.
It is only in the discomfort that he/she can come to learn that they can to do hard things. You’ll always be there for them to guide them along, especially when they’re emotionally dysregulated. Which is the most important.
3.) …Do things for your child that you know she/he can do or is physically (and emotionally) ready to do on their own
Can your child physically put on their coat themselves? Can they physically feed themselves? Can they physically walk to the bookshelf and take down the book?
Great! Let them do it, even when they asks you to do it for them. Encouraging them to do these things themselves fosters a sense of independence, empowerment, and self-actualization.
Your child is their own person. And they are a whole person. Help them understand their power, and you help them understand that.
4.) …Constantly entertain your child and play with them whenever they ask you
When we become our child’s event planner or primary source of entertainment, we take away their ability to self-direct, lead, improvise, and rely on themselves for amusement.
Start fostering independent play today! Take baby steps at first. When you’re playing with your child, let them take the lead. When they get immersed in what they’re doing, don’t interrupt. Sit there with them, passively. If he/she looks up at you or engages, narrate what they’re doing rather than asking questions (which could interfere with self-direction).
Slowly start to redirect your attention by picking up a book or writing out a to-do list — whatever makes sense in the moment. After a period of time, you can get up and start moving around the room. If you leave, let them know you’re going to the bedroom to fold laundry or into the office to write an email, for example. As your child (and you!) get the hang of this, you can start to lengthen these independent play sessions.
Also: invite boredom (scary, I know!). Maybe it won’t happen right away, but I assure you that the boredom will give way to discovery, creativity, and creation. When my kids say “mom, I’m bored”. I ALWAYS say “have you read a book, cleaned something, played outside, checked on the animals, made a craft, checked and tidied your bedroom, played the piano”. If not, go do something.
5.) …Make your feelings your child’s responsibility
Have you ever said to your child: “that hurts Mommy’s feelings”?
I personally have NOT used those words, however I know a Mom that has and constantly does still to this day unfortunately. When using these kind of words and phrases we are teaching our kids that words and actions can have a direct impact on others’ emotional health. Hearing it, I took a step back and thought “oh my, those are damaging words to a child” and here’s why:
When we say things like “that hurts my feelings” or “you make me so sad,” we are inadvertently fostering emotional codependency. We are telling our child: “You are the cause of my discomfort. You are the source of my pain. Now you need to make it better.”
As the parent, YOU are responsible for your OWN feelings. The power dynamic is not equal in a parent-child relationship: the parent always wields more power. Making our child feel as if they are the source of our pain is simply not fair or good parenting!
Also, when we make a habit out of these kinds of statements, our child may start to feel uncomfortable about honestly expressing themselves to us. Which I personally deal with.
6. ) …Make your child apologize
A genuine apology is rooted in empathy. Making your child apologize is NOT going to teach them empathy. Instead, it’s going to make them feel exposed and vulnerable, even under attack, and it’s likely to intensify feelings of shame.
It also teaches her/him that “I’m bad” — not the “I’ve hurt Jonny’s feelings and I’d like to try to repair this” that we’re hoping for.
A more effective approach is to model a good apology: “Oof, Johnny, I’m sorry I threw the ball at you. I was feeling very frustrated, and it came out as me throwing the ball at you.”
This removes vulnerability and shame from the equation, allowing your child to more clearly see the dynamics at play here. She/he will start apologizing in her own time. And when they say it, they’ll mean it.
7.) …Make your child say hello or goodbye
I get it! You want your child to be polite and have good manners. But, much like forcing your child to apologize, forcing her to say hello and goodbye can really only backfire. And no, not saying hello and goodbye is NOT a sign of bad manners.
It can be really hard for children, especially really young children, to greet someone (even someone they know!).
Think about it. Children are beautifully open and vulnerable creatures. Greeting someone can feel intense and overwhelming because it feels like they’re allowing that person into their whole world, into their whole being. Saying “hi” requires a lot of trust and a sense of comfort and safety.
As for goodbye, just think about how hard it is for US to say it! Irish exit, anyone? Saying goodbye comes with so many mixed emotions: we don’t want to interrupt, we’re having a good time and are sad to have to leave, we want to avoid exposing ourselves in one way or another.
As with apologies, the best thing to do is to consciously model “hellos” and “goodbyes.” They’ll get there!
8.) …Conceal your own feelings and pretend that everything is just fine
We want to show our children that we have big feelings, too. By doing so, we normalize feelings, even hard and uncomfortable feelings. We can also model healthy ways to express ourselves when we are angry, frustrated, or upset.
It’s okay to have big feelings, we’re telling them. We can handle them!
Our ability to keep ourselves calm in tense situations empowers our child to do the same.
9.) …Distract and/or redirect your child to prevent or stop their discomfort
Let’s face it, sometimes we need to distract our child every now and then when we’re under pressure to get from point A to point B. Like when you’re late for a an event that you really need to be on time for (this was us just last week — “This place is closing so we really have to leave and the lights are going to turn off)
But when we rely on distraction and redirection all the time, we’re doing our child a serious disservice. We hamper their ability to cultivate resilience, patience, and an understanding of delayed gratification. In the process, we are also setting them up for developing a short fuse, for acting out when they don’t get their way, and for not knowing how to manage feelings of discomfort more generally. This one is closely tied to number 2, above.
10.) …Be perfect all the time
First of all, it ain’t possible to be perfect all the time! Sometimes we yell. Sometimes we say something we tell our kids not to say (the F word, Sh**, Da****, oh my hell instead of oh my goodness— and they witness and hear it. Eek!!
And you know what? By showing our child our imperfections, we can also show them how to have self-compassion, own up to our mistakes, accept our flaws, apologize, forgive ourselves and others, have empathy for others, and become life-long learners.
To sum all these up:
Just as our child is learning, so too are we, as parents, learning. Every day. Every minute. Every second.
And when we learn what our role as parents are and what our child truly needs from us, everything else starts to fall into place. The most important thing, be there FOR your kids, through those feelings they can’t even process or understand. Don’t disregard their feelings or wants/needs because they are uncomfortable for us to deal with and you the parent “have it figured out”. This life with our children, It’s just simply a beautiful thing.
#Happyparenting
Hilary Broadbent 08/20/2024
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